Saturday, July 22, 2006

ECC Asks; Jack Answers

The above is an artist's conception of what my favorite commentor, a 12 year old named "Evil Con Carne" might have looked like at one stage in his young life.

As you can see, he looks like a pretty decent, wholesome kid. I find it hard to believe he could possibly be a menace to anyone.

Nevertheless, he appears to be a child with no one to turn to in his life. Apparently, he doesn't get the kind of emotional support at home that he deserves. I bet his lousy parents spend all their time doting on ECC's little sister, while ignoring the precious gift that they have in their talented and highly intelligent son.

Which is a shame. Because a nice kid like ECC deserves more from his so-called "parents" than that kind of treatment.

Which is, as they say, where I come into the picture. For you see, gentle readers, ECC has asked yours truly to answer a number of questions that trouble him. It is a cry for help. And while people may say all kinds of things about me, one thing they can not say is that I turn away from the pleas of my devoted young fans.

It's a shame his good for nothing father can't make the same claim.

Nevertheless, I shall try to help you ECC. You are about to be the recipient of the first ever "Ask Jack" post ever devoted to a single readers questions.

It may not seem like much, but if it in any way helps to make up for the lack of love and support you are getting in your home life it will have been the worth the time.

To the questions! (Editor's note..All questions, spellings, punctuation are shown as submitted by ECC. In other ways, as they ought to be in everyday usage anyway, you language geeks.)

1. Why do chimpanzies try to bite peoples fingers off?

Answer: Because, my young apprentice, chimpanzees are foul, foul creatures. I mean, you are talking about an animal species that spends its spare time flinging its own poop at each other.

In other words, they aren't much brighter than little sisters. And turst me, if your little sister had the jaw strength to do so, she'd try to bite your fingers off as well. Remember this lesson, and remember it well ECC: never turn your back on a chimpanzee or a little sister.

Don't ask me how I know this. Just know that I do.

2. Why is my brain so full of questions?

Answer: Because as has become readily apparent in the history of your participation on this blog, you are a very intelligent kid. In fact, not only are you perceptive and insightful, but were I to hazard a guess, i would bet that your IQ is higher than anyone else who comments here.

Now, granted, some might take that as a backhanded compliment. I mean after all Skinbad shows up here. As does Civetta. And Michael isn't exactly helping NASA send satellites into synchronous earth orbit if you know what I mean.

The point remains, however, that you are undoubtably a gifted student. Are you in any accelerated programs at school? I would be surprised if you weren't. The fact that you ask so many questions is just testament to your desire to understand the world around you.

You know who else asked a lot of questions? Socrates. And he's known as one of the greatest thinkers of all time.

So, you have that going for you, which is nice.

3. Why havent you been on lately? My brain fills up with to many questions.

Answer: The life of a noted blog celebrity is not an easy one, my friend. It places many demands upon my time. In between the photo shoots, the television appearances, the newspaper interviews, and the schmoozing with actresses and fashion models in exclusive European resort communities, I seldom have time to dedicate to the discipline that brought me my fame and importance in the first place.

Now, don't misunderstand me. My celebrity status has brought me wealth beyond measure, and the unceasing adulation of my peers. It would be terribly ungrateful for me to even appear to be suggesting that I consider the demands placed upon me to be a burden as nothing could be further from the truth.

It's just that most people ("civilians" as we blog celebrities call them) don't see this side of our lives. They see all the glamour and little of the personal sacrifices that have to be made along the way.

For example, last week I was going to do a post about the current state of affairs in the Middle East. In that post, I was going to use all the wisdom I have accumulated in my years as a worldwide, roving goodwill ambassador to lay out a proposal which would have brough peace and stability to the region once and for all. There is very little question that I would have received a Nobel Peace Prize for this entry.

But before I could post it, my agent called and explained that I had to fly to Cannes to attend
a movie premier with this woman:

Which I dutifully did. After all, if she's good enough for Darth Vader, she's good enough for me.

The Nobel Prize will just have to wait. Chalk it up as another personal sacrifice.

I hope this helps explain my frequent absences, ECC.

4. Do you think about all your people that type questions to you? I bet that they're heads about poped because they couldn't get your therapy.

Answer: Actually, ECC, I do think about the people that write in seeking my guidance. For, you see, I too am all to familiar with what it is like when your have a "poped" head.

In fact, I even had my head pop on camera once! Want to see it? I knew you would, so here you go.



Horrifying, isn't it?

Now, I know that LauraW and Mrs. Peel, will say they think I look better in the second picture.

But they are girls. So we can ignore them.

5. Why is it that parents and kids speek English but they're not speeking the same language?

Answer: Because parents are, almost by definition, old. While not being as old as my commenter Retired Geezer (which, let's be honest, no one who walks this Earth is) they are of a completely different generation than you are. As a result, they get stuck using the language they think shows they are cool, when it really shows they are relics caught in the past.

For example...have you ever gone home and said something like "this video game is totally sick."

Your mom probably thinks that means it has a fever or something, when, in fact, it means that the game is just hella cool.

Now, on the other hand, if your mom were to try to express the same sentiment she might say "this video game is phat."

At which point everyone would point and laugh at her for using hip hop words that are 10 years past their prime.

Which would at least give them a new reason to constantly be laughing at her. But we don't need to go into that here, as I am sure that your mom is a very sweet person.

After all, she does put up with your geeky dad. Whereas most women would have just looked at him and his clumsy attempts at romance and lol'd.

6. Have you been sick?

Answer: You know what, ECC? You are the only person that has cared enough about me to wonder if my absence from blogging might be because I was sick, or living through some other sort of personally traumatic experience.

That's how I know you are a good kid. Empathy and compassion all wrapped up in one question posed by an emotionally mature 12 year old. I appreciate you asking, but in all honesty I have been fine.

I think many of the commenters here could stand to learn from your example, ECC. I'm proud of you.

7. Why haven't you answered your blogs and why were you being lazy?

Answer: In part, because when it comes to blogging, I am the world's laziest blogger. But that's not the whole story.

After all, would a completely lazy blogger have taken the time to wage and win wars against both Iceland and Austria?

I think the answer is obviously, "No".

Would a lazy blogger have spent time channeling the cross dimensional spirits of a 4,000 year old extra-terrestrial and the ghost of a dead horse?

Again, "No.".

You see, ECC, some bloggers believe in quantity. They will post any number of things at all hours of the day or the night that no one cares about, really.

In fact, 99% of blog entries make you dumber for having read them. That's a proven, scientific fact.

On the other hand, there are bloggers like me who believe that quality should take precedence over quantity.

So that's what I focus on, ECC. Ensuring that each of my blog posts if a lovingly crafted piece of literary art that will both enlighten and endure.

I blog for the ages, ECC. Everyone else blogs for the moment.

That's why I'm a blog celebrity.

8. Why do teens write on they're selves?

Answer: Because teenagers are monumentally stupid. It's true. It's not my place to talk about all of the reasons for the foolish and self-destructive things that teenagers do, because a lot of it has to do with the physiological changes that young men and women go through during this time. Your mom and dad, if they love you, should be willing to talk to you more about that. Make a point of asking them about this.

But aside from those reasons, young adults also feel a growing need to seperate their identities from those of their parents. So they do things that their parents wouldn't do for no reason other than it's a way of asserting their own identity. They run out and get stupid looking body piercings, or tattoos, or they decide to start following ridiculous fashion trends.

You have probably seen those stupid emo kids, haven't you? The losers who dress all in black and listen to dopey techno/industrial music and cut themselves for attention?

Let me clue you in on one thing, here and now. The only things that should ever be emo are your front and back yards.

Cause if they were, then they would cut themselves and save you a lot of hard work in the hot summer. Don't ever fall into a stupid fashion trend like this ECC.

Trust me. You don't want to spend every day of your life getting wedgies in the locker room. After all, that's how Brewfan went through life and look at how he turned out.

Brewfan is a cautionary tale if ever their was one.

9. Why is it when you'r little syblings are watching little kid cartoons that you get hypnotized and watch?

Answer: ECC, have you ever sung the song "Puff the Magic Dragon"? I don't know if they do that in grade school anymore, but I can remember singing it in the 3rd or 4th grade music classes at my school.

If you have, then you know the answer to this question already. If you haven't, then I'll give you a quick course.

The song is basically about a dragon named Puff, and his best friend, a kid named Jackie Paper. Puff lived only in little Jackie's imagination, but as long as Jackie pretended Puff was real, then for all intents and purposes Puff was a real dragon.

As the song goes along, Jackie gets older and starts to forget about Puff. He moves on to other things, and Puff's life essentially comes to an end. It's a very sad song.

The movie Toy Story is based on a similar theme. Remember when Woody the Cowboy Toy was ignored by his owner when the Buzz Lightyear toy showed up?

Well, inside every man are the memories of himself as a little boy. That little boy never fully goes away, but as you get older you tend to lose site of those memories on an ever more frequent basis.

Cartoons, however, give that little boy a chance to come out, if only for a few moments. They let you be silly and goofy at a time when you are increasingly taking on more important responsibilities.

I hope you never reach a point where you feel embarrassed or silly about watching an occasional cartoon, or playing with some of your old toys. It's good to keep those little kid emotions in a place where you can access them later in life when you need to do so. After all, one day a cool kid like you will probably be a father himself. And as long as you remember what it's like to be a kid, you will be able to have fun and relate to your own.

Now I've typed enough. Go and watch whatever the popular cartoons are these days. I think I have a comic book I need to go read.

That's it for this very special edition of "Ask Jack". I hope it helps you, ECC. If you get a chance, drop me a note in the comments and let me know how things are going for you.

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