Wednesday, April 26, 2006

You Asked, Jack Answers

So you put me in a bit of a quandary this week.

As I was reviewing your increasingly inane questions (and wondering why I go out of my way to help such pitiful wretches) Skinbad revealed that a couple of the questions on the list were posed by his 12 year old son.

Which means, of course, that I have to be on my best behavior, lest I inadvertantly scar the poor kid for life.

And, let's face it, scarring children for life is more a "Michael" thing anyway. I'm betting that if someone took the time to dig up the crawl space under that guy's house, one would find the skeletal remains of milk carton kids clad only in rusty handcuffs and tattered Robin costumes.

So, I must answer these questions in a way that is suitable for a 12 year old to read. Which, really, shouldnt be too hard since the only one of your losers with a vocabulary exceeding a 12 year old's is Geezer...and he only knows the big words 'cause he's been on this planet for such a very, very long time. the questions!

Questions 1-5 from LauraW:

1. It appears we in the Northeast are having an early, mild Spring. Do you think we're done with frost and I can plant my annuals now, or should I wait another couple weeks?

Answer: One word. ASTROTURF. No more mowing, no more watering, just lush green ballpark quality goodness. Trust me, your husband will thank you. He might even forget you have that hideous hump.

2. Is fried chicken the world's most perfect food?

Answer: No. The rise of Avian Flu has cost fried chicken to lose its place atop the chart of culinary pleasures. The new most perfect food? Double stuff Oreo Cookies.

3. What was the name of the actor who played Rerun? What's he up to now?

Answer: Rerun was playes by Fred Barry. Since he died in 2003, I'd say he was decomposing right about now.

4. The lead singers of REO Speedwagon and Tears for Fears both looked like they spat a lot while singing. This wasn't really a question.

Answer: Good. This isn't really an answer.

5. How much would you expect to pay for a middle-of-the-road guitar amplifier?

Answer: Nothing. I already own two.

Questions 6-8 from Skinbad:

6. Should I put up a "Red Alert" at Innocent Bystanders? Or just see which of the true believers/stalkers shows up?

Answer: What's Innocent Bystanders?

7. Is that a pointless question because by the time you answer it, it will

Answer: There are no stupid questions. There are no pointless questions. You have, however, succeeded in asking the world's first stupid and pointless question. For this, I salute you!

8. Does this mean your days of grieving for Pony are over?

Answer: Pony's loss is a wound that will never heal. Vatolu tells me about how much pleasure she gets feeding Pony apples and sugar cubes on the Astral Plane, but that just reminds me of how much I miss the guy. I mean, sure, he had terrible taste in women and I got tired of having to constantly replace my couch, but all in all he brought a vibrant spirit to this sad and decrepit blog. I tell you this, though.....sometimes, when the world is still and the dawn is breaking, I hear a gentle braying on the morning air....low at first and then escalting to a Kiefer Sutherland like "urgent whisper"....and I could swear I hear Pony gently braying "Civ-et-ta...Civ-et-ta....Don't put Pony away wet"...and I wonder if, at these times, death wasn't the best thing that could have happened to him.

Question 9-10 from Steve in HB:

I will be attending a wedding in Bardstown, Kentucky in early August.

9- What airport should I fly in to?

Answer: I'm pretty sure there is a direct flight into Pettycoat Junction. I'd check that out.

10- What are the seediest, most disreputable places within a 30 minute drive?Please devote most of your response to the second question.

Answer: Have you ever been to Bardstown, KY? Cousin Kissin' Capitol of the World. Here they measure "upscale" and "seedy" by the number of teeth in your, ummm, "hostesses", head.

My recommendation? Ask for the "Ace O'Spades Suite" at the Bardstown Motel 8. If you are lucky, he might even be there with enough Val-u-rite Vodka to help you forget you are stuck in freakin' Bardstown, Kentucky. And if you are unlucky? He'll be there with his collectors edition DVD of "Brokeback Mountain" and a strange habit of calling you Ennis.

Question 11-13 from the 12 year old Evil Con Carne:

11. Why and how does Red Bull give you wings?

Answer: Finally, an intelligent question. ECC, you must realize that the phrase "red bull gives you wings" is what the literary types call a metaphor.

Remember in English class when you learned about similes and metaphors? A simile is a descriptive phrase incorporating the words "like" or "as". An example, "when Skinbad is mad at me, his lisping pronunciation of the letter "S" sounds like a rattlesnake".

A metaphor is similar, only it is not as direct a comparison. As an "energy" drink, the thought is that the drink will make you feel so full of energy that you could fly. So, metaphorically, it "gives you wings."

Now, how do they manage to do this? It's quite simple. The makers of Red Bull realized that nothing is richer in vitamins and nutrition that the fresh blood of newly clubbed baby seals. So they whack a few seals, drain the blood, mix in a couple of preserving agents and boom: bottled vigor.

Drink up, my young apprentice.

12. Why do little sisters bawl like they are dying when you barely touch them?

Answers: OK, this is some advice that your father should be giving you but since his parenting skills are obviously lacking, I will step in and help you learn a lesson early. All girls learn at an early age that they can get a man to do almost anything they want simply by crying.

It's a trick. It is meant to play upon your feelings of guilt. After all, boys aren't supposed to hit girls. Boys aren't supposed to pull girls pigtails. Bib brothers are supposed to take care of their little sisters. Husbands are supposed to actually "love" their wives. The last thing we ever want is to see the object of our protection/love hurting and crying. And the evil girls know this.

It's all emotional blackmail. Now I'm not here to encourage you to do anything mean to your sister. But now you know what she is trying to do....she is trying to make you change your behavior by shedding a few tears. So the next time she starts acting like a drama queen, you just look at her and say "Sis, I love ya, but you gotta get over yourself. Now leave me alone before I give you a reason to cry."

She will be so shocked by your willingness to stand up to her tears that she will stop pulling this trick. Trust ol'Jack on this one. just a few years she will be using it to guilt her future boyfriends. And you will have fun watching her manipulate all of them.

13. Why do some teachers hate kids?

Because many "teachers" are in fact failures at what adults like to call "life". And they look at all you kids, with so much potential and promise and your whole lives ahead of you in which you can aspire to do great things and they are filled with sheer envy.

They look at you and they think to themselves, "where did it all go so wrong? I was a smart kid like ECC once, and now I'm a bitter, burned out shell of a person with a job in which I am a glorified babysitter for 6 or 7 hours a day."

There is a wise old saying, ECC. It says "those that can do, do...those who can't do, teach."

There is a lot of truth in that expression. Although, I'd keep it between you and me. If you ever tell one of your teachers that you will reach a whole new level of hate. And one last word of advice: be a doctor. Or a professional golfer. You'll thank me for this career planning lesson when you are 18.

Questions 14-17 from Harrison:

14) Can you describe red?

Answer:'s like blue only much, much hotter.

15) What do you think the "next big thing" will be?

Answer: My cameo appearance in "Snakes on A Plane".

16) How will it end and what's the moral?

Amswer: Hmmm...probably when the Sun becomes a red giant and engulfs the inner planets. The moral? The Democrats, even with 5 billion years of advance warning, can not be trusted on matters of national security.

17) Can it get done on time and on budget?

Answer: Yes. For example, I finished this edition of "Ask Jack" on time and on budget. Now whether it can be done well "on time and on budget" is a whole 'nother question.

Question 18-21 from our favorite Geezer:

18. Are you proud of us that we didn't all scatter when you *left*?

Answer: I suppose I take the same kind of pride that the Captain of the Titanic did knowing that some of his passngers made it into lifeboats.

It's a hollow and thin source of pride, but when you are slowly drowning in the frigid arctic waters of post-Pony life you take what you can get.

19. Do you ever visit your acolytes at Innocent Bystanders? (I mean the All-Ace All-Stars)?

Answer: Me? Nope. But Vat's been.

20. Hay Zeus has had some pretty good answers for his Mailbag feature. Did you loan Vatolu to him temporarily?

Answer: Nope...the last time I loaned Vatolu out, Ace wrote his "Wonkette-Sexathon" post and Vat was so traumatized that she wouldn't let me channel her for about 3 months. Never seperate an artist from his muse, is the lesson I learned that day. Which I , in turn, modified to "never pimp out Vat unless Ace pays you cash money in the form of a security deposit up front".

21. Can Vatolu talk to Pony's Ghost?

Answer: Yes she can. She is capable of all forms of interaction with Pony on that plane of existence, with but one exception. Pony claims that Civetta has spoiled him with regard to all other women, so until Pony figures out how to do the whole "cross dimension channeling" thing, my little stud is no more than a gelding.

Question 22-23 from the lovely and talented Elzbth:

22) Do you think it is rather bizarre that we didn't all scatter when you went on hiatus (in search of the wild bikini or mai tai or whatever?)

Answer: No...desperate times call for desparate measures. And I can't think of any more desperate measure than finding comfort and solace with Michael. Especially for a woman of your considerable wit, intelligence, and obvious charm. [EDITORS NOTE: The same sentence applies to Sweet Jayne and Mrs. Peel as well. Cast the net wide enough and you'll eventually catch some fish as my dear old dad used to say.]

23) Do you miss taking on Graz and Iceland?

Answer: Nope...been there, done that. I seek new challenges, and new adventures. Besides, those places are freaking cold. From now on I'm limiting my conquests to places like New Zealand and Australia. You know...places where the beaches are sandy, the drinks are frozen, and the bikini tops are optional.

Question 24-25 from Brewfan:

24. Can you invite Bill over to ban michael?

Answer: I would but then he might never leave. Besides, I already banned Michael. I figured if I was going on hiatus, I might as well get it out of my system. And brother, it felt good.

25. When Bill is done banning michael, can I ban Bill?

Answer: ban is enough. Although if he ever shows up at Desperate Jaywalkers or whatever the All Ace All Stars are called, feel free to ban until you can ban no more.

And there you have it! Another week of answers to your pressing life issues. Until next time, this is noted blog celebrity Jack Michaels saying "keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars. You'll never grab them, but you will look damn stupid trying, and I need a laugh."

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